When period is near rants

I'm not saying that you have to text me the whole day, cause you said that you seldom layan your phone and you don't like being constantly on your phone. Ok fine. But when i go on twitter I see you replied someone or your online on whatsapp but just not layan-ing me. So what's your excuse now?
You tell me about "behind the scenes", saying that you're acting like that cause you're like planning smth for me. But that's just bullshit, cause there's nothing you could be planning for me? You're not even gonna be around for Christmas or my bday. Tbh, i do way more "bahind the scenes" shit for you.
You told me the other day, that you have a feeling that I'm gonna break up with you first because I'm gonna lose interest. I didn't want to believe it. But I'm starting to cause I mean. You're not doing anything about it. You ask me why is it that I get high a lot, well truth be told its so that I don't rmbr that you're not paying attention to me.

Specific

I somehow have specific memories for specific smells. Like how people relate moments with songs, for me I usually use smell. Its so weird cause my parents used to tell me that I couldn't sleep last time as a child if I didn't have my dad with me ((and it was an issue because I had to stay with my grandma sometimes)). They solved the problem by giving me a tshirt my dad wore. And I guess from there I just relied a lot on my nose. A permanent example I have now is that the smell of Pantene shampoo will always remind me of my first boyfriend. Not that I still feel emotionally attached but my brain has just been conditioned that way. And this is why I like to steal your hoodies or sweaters or something because it smells like you. And you're the only one I feel safe with to sleep next to ((ever since I outgrew my "not being able to sleep unless my dad was there" issue)). Yes, you're not the first guy that I've shared a bed with for a night, but you've become the only guy I wanna share a bed with. And its c r a z y how attached I've become and I'm sorry if I suffocate you sometimes but I just can't help it.

I hate it.

I hate how only you can make me smile when I'm having a bad day. And I hate how you always have the patience to always make sure I laugh or smile before you stop your nonsense. I hate it when you ignore me. Or whenever I complain about something you always make it sound silly and I stop complaining. I hate how I can be fucking crying my eyes out at 3.15 in the morning, cause of some overthinking or something or when I'm hating the world and all that's in it, just a 3 min call from you can just make everything just that much more bearable. Pleasant even. I hate how you've entered my body and made a home in my veins. And while you make me feel whole and loved you also have the power to poison me. But despite everything in this world, I hate losing you the most.

2am thoughts

I think I have an illness. And I know its "attention seeking" to fully admit this but I do. It really sucks and it gets me when I'm at my most vulnerable. There's no medication I can take to cure it. And I can't really prevent it either, it just comes and goes as it likes. Some days its easy to keep it under control. But some days its so impossible that you can't help but cry. It could be a little or it could be a lot. It could be for a while or for longer. Sometimes you don't even cry, but you have this pain in your chest, that nagging feeling that you can't shake off. I believe everyone has an illness, it just depends on what you have. But like all illnesses, they all work the same, they target vital organs and kill you slowly. How fast or slow you die depends on how much medication you can pump into your body in hopes of pulling through to another day. The illness I'm talking about, however, isn't something as "physical" per say as like having cancer. You can detect where the cancer is and where its headed, this however is a mental thing, I don't know what it's called but I depent on people too much. And I expect them to talk to me or reply my texts and stuff. So i get fucking annoyed when that person blatantly ignores me. And I somehow always get this from the one person I never want to ignore me. Its stupid but that person is my boyfriend cause I've gotten so comfortable with him being the one I turn to. ((Cause I don't really turn to my parents when I have problems)). I swear to God, sometimes I think I just expect too much from people that I keep disappointing myself.

Sigh

Sometimes, the things you say make me wanna stop going to see you altogether. Like if I have things to do then sorry la. How the fuck you want me to split myself. Somemore you don't wanna come ipoh cause you went back pretty broke the last time. I come back broke most of the time after going to see you but I still suck it up and manage it. You wanna complain to me about being broke and stuff after coming to see me. Well nobody hears me complain about me going down to see you. Ask the people I'm with in kampar, I don't eat, I hardly go out. Why? Cause I save the money to go see you. I always go out with jon cause he knows me and my budget. I can't get a job to get more money cause I don't have enough days in a week to go for classes, work AND see you during weekends. Somemore for you fri-sun isn't enough.
I'm so stuck. Idk what to do.

Easter

As a Christian Catholic, I never really gave much of a hooha about Easter, apart from Christmas I honestly have never given much of hoohas. And to clarify, Easter isn't just about a bunny and collecting easter eggs. Tbh I don't see how a bunny even relates cause Easter is actually the day Jesus rose from the grave and came back all "hell yeah bitches. I told you I was the son of God. I told you I would come back in 3 days" to prove them non believers and those who doubted that he was the real deal.
Anyway.
This year, however I honestly thought it was gonna be a rough week and Easter wasn't gonna make it better. But it did. Cause he came back. And not just that, he actually admitted that he needs me as much as I need him. And I mean, I'm so thankful for that.  To top it all off, my Pangkor trip is a gogo so yeah bloody happy for that. But yes, it was an amazing Easter and I'm pretty chuffed about the fact that everything worked out well. Not just a good Easter, but a good way to end the week as well :)
So Happy Easter to my fellow readers and to myself

xoxo

-I really thought you would have left me this time. But you didn't-

Teman me later?

Are you sure? Like, you weren't talking to the wrong person right? Me? Teman you? Are you fo realz bruh?! Like what was all that stuff you were saying yesterday? Why not you just skype your best friend? You act like I was nothing. And the you friggin "K" me and now you want me to teman you? What do you think I'm gonna say? ...

Yes. Yes, of course I will teman you...

it's me again.

So here I am, 2 years after my last post. Things have been going great, till -literally- 2 days ago where in attempts of saving something I almost lost something. Basically I tried to patch back a friendship, but in doing so I almost lost the one person I've grown to love. It’s always like this, my life, when things are too calm and quiet, I will definitely do something stupid. Why? Well, I too ask myself the same question. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight, maybe my brain was bored, maybe I just didn't want a life where people didn’t talk to me for no reason. I don't know. What I do know is that it happened, I regret and I am sorry.

But what bothers me about this whole thing is how I am able to still laugh about it or be this cool about things. Past me would've felt the urge to cry, or if not, she'd at least just constantly feel that pain in her chest. But no, I don't feel the pain, and although his words were very sharp, they didn’t hit me like how they would normally do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have no feelings whatsoever about the situation, yes I feel slightly off mood and I have no mood to eat, but I’m not having the urges to cry or that pain in my chest. I want to fix things, not cry about it. I want to make you love me again, not give you more reasons to leave me sooner. A brother of mine told me that guys are actually afraid of change, especially in their girlfriends. Which kinda explains why Sufan was all “I feel like you’re not sincere because you’re not crying” or “All that mushy crap isn’t going to work on me anymore, I’m way past that”, first off, if all that mushy crap isn’t going to work then what’s the point of me crying? Second of all here’s a newsflash for you, you’re not the only one who is way past things. I’m way past the crying on the phone, I am way past the begging for a second chance, I am way past you repeating yourself to me and I am definitely way past, way way wayyy past, this shit that we’re going through. I don’t blame you for feeling like this, yes, yes, Y E S, I understand that you’re angry and I understand that you’re upset but come on, if you could trust me all this while, why can’t you trust me now?
But I can tell you, I am not past fighting for this relationship, I am not past wanting you back and I am definitely not past loving you. I told you that the only reason why we should still be together is because I still love you, you told it was a poor reason and well. If you were in my shoes, you would have probably said the same thing, cause what else reason is there?

-Sigh-

I want you back, ok? I hope you can forgive me and love me the same way you did as before. I love you.