So here I am, 2 years after my last post. Things have been going
great, till -literally- 2 days ago where in attempts of saving something I
almost lost something. Basically I tried to patch back a friendship, but in
doing so I almost lost the one person I've grown to love. It’s always like this,
my life, when things are too calm and quiet, I will definitely do something
stupid. Why? Well, I too ask myself the same question. Maybe I wasn't thinking
straight, maybe my brain was bored, maybe I just didn't want a life where
people didn’t talk to me for no reason. I don't know. What I do know is that it
happened, I regret and I am sorry.
But what bothers me about this whole thing
is how I am able to still laugh about it or be this cool about things. Past me
would've felt the urge to cry, or if not, she'd at least just constantly feel
that pain in her chest. But no, I don't feel the pain, and although his words
were very sharp, they didn’t hit me like how they would normally do. Don’t get
me wrong, it’s not like I have no feelings whatsoever about the situation, yes I
feel slightly off mood and I have no mood to eat, but I’m not having the urges
to cry or that pain in my chest. I want to fix things, not cry about it. I want
to make you love me again, not give you more reasons to leave me sooner. A brother
of mine told me that guys are actually afraid of change, especially in their
girlfriends. Which kinda explains why Sufan was all “I feel like you’re not
sincere because you’re not crying” or “All that mushy crap isn’t going to work
on me anymore, I’m way past that”, first off, if all that mushy crap isn’t
going to work then what’s the point of me crying? Second of all here’s a newsflash
for you, you’re not the only one who is way past things. I’m way past the crying
on the phone, I am way past the begging for a second chance, I am way past you
repeating yourself to me and I am definitely way past, way way wayyy past, this
shit that we’re going through. I don’t blame you for feeling like this, yes,
yes, Y E S, I understand that you’re angry and I understand that you’re upset
but come on, if you could trust me all this while, why can’t you trust me now?
But I can tell you, I am not past fighting for this relationship, I
am not past wanting you back and I am definitely not past loving you. I told
you that the only reason why we should still be together is because I still
love you, you told it was a poor reason and well. If you were in my shoes, you
would have probably said the same thing, cause what else reason is there?
-Sigh-
I want you back, ok? I hope you can forgive me and love me the
same way you did as before. I love you.
