Specific

I somehow have specific memories for specific smells. Like how people relate moments with songs, for me I usually use smell. Its so weird cause my parents used to tell me that I couldn't sleep last time as a child if I didn't have my dad with me ((and it was an issue because I had to stay with my grandma sometimes)). They solved the problem by giving me a tshirt my dad wore. And I guess from there I just relied a lot on my nose. A permanent example I have now is that the smell of Pantene shampoo will always remind me of my first boyfriend. Not that I still feel emotionally attached but my brain has just been conditioned that way. And this is why I like to steal your hoodies or sweaters or something because it smells like you. And you're the only one I feel safe with to sleep next to ((ever since I outgrew my "not being able to sleep unless my dad was there" issue)). Yes, you're not the first guy that I've shared a bed with for a night, but you've become the only guy I wanna share a bed with. And its c r a z y how attached I've become and I'm sorry if I suffocate you sometimes but I just can't help it.

I hate it.

I hate how only you can make me smile when I'm having a bad day. And I hate how you always have the patience to always make sure I laugh or smile before you stop your nonsense. I hate it when you ignore me. Or whenever I complain about something you always make it sound silly and I stop complaining. I hate how I can be fucking crying my eyes out at 3.15 in the morning, cause of some overthinking or something or when I'm hating the world and all that's in it, just a 3 min call from you can just make everything just that much more bearable. Pleasant even. I hate how you've entered my body and made a home in my veins. And while you make me feel whole and loved you also have the power to poison me. But despite everything in this world, I hate losing you the most.

2am thoughts

I think I have an illness. And I know its "attention seeking" to fully admit this but I do. It really sucks and it gets me when I'm at my most vulnerable. There's no medication I can take to cure it. And I can't really prevent it either, it just comes and goes as it likes. Some days its easy to keep it under control. But some days its so impossible that you can't help but cry. It could be a little or it could be a lot. It could be for a while or for longer. Sometimes you don't even cry, but you have this pain in your chest, that nagging feeling that you can't shake off. I believe everyone has an illness, it just depends on what you have. But like all illnesses, they all work the same, they target vital organs and kill you slowly. How fast or slow you die depends on how much medication you can pump into your body in hopes of pulling through to another day. The illness I'm talking about, however, isn't something as "physical" per say as like having cancer. You can detect where the cancer is and where its headed, this however is a mental thing, I don't know what it's called but I depent on people too much. And I expect them to talk to me or reply my texts and stuff. So i get fucking annoyed when that person blatantly ignores me. And I somehow always get this from the one person I never want to ignore me. Its stupid but that person is my boyfriend cause I've gotten so comfortable with him being the one I turn to. ((Cause I don't really turn to my parents when I have problems)). I swear to God, sometimes I think I just expect too much from people that I keep disappointing myself.